Horror is for Grrrls

Friends, classmates, distant acquaintances, I invite you to procrastinate on the writing of papers, doing of psets, and reading of news headlines to join me on a seasonal jaunt through the disgusting alleyways of really stupid horror. Specifically, really stupid horror taglines. That someone, probably in the ‘70s or ‘80s while disco music played faintly in the background and cocaine wafted through the air, got paid to write for movies that people bought tickets to.   Without further ado, here are some of the dumbest fucking horror taglines I’ve ever seen while googling stupid horror and/or browsing the thrift store video aisle. “Frogs” (1972) “Today the pond! Tomorrow the world!” Y’all, do frogs even have teeth? Shark week this ain’t. “Abby” (1974) “Abby doesn't need a man anymore. The Devil is her lover now!” Glad to see the options are “a man” and “the literal Devil.” So much for asexuality, lesbianism, or, like, being happily single? “It's Alive” (1

cw: mention of sexual violence. One of my first reading assignments when I started taking French was a French storybook version of Little Red Riding Hood, with the assumption that the story was familiar enough for us to muddle through the unfamiliar vocabulary. It’s simplicity and it’s sing-song climax make it memorable, it’s threat of violence offers a transgressive thrill to little children who may grow up to love horror or fear wolves. It’s usually interpreted as a stranger-danger warning to kids; in more specific and darker readings, the wolf is a sexual predator. His tempting Red off the path is a mock seduction, his visceral interest in bodily consumption represents violently untamed sexuality. The heroic woodsman who appears at the very end is perhaps a more appropriate romantic interest, and offers a male heroism where otherwise the only male character is bestial. In its basic form, the story has a conservative bent, but its simplicity and ubiquity make it easy to re