Stupid Fucking Horror Movie Taglines
Friends, classmates, distant
acquaintances, I invite you to procrastinate on the writing of papers, doing of
psets, and reading of news headlines to join me on a seasonal jaunt through the
disgusting alleyways of really stupid horror. Specifically, really stupid
horror taglines. That someone, probably in the ‘70s or ‘80s while disco music
played faintly in the background and cocaine wafted through the air, got paid
to write for movies that people bought tickets to. Without further ado, here are some of the
dumbest fucking horror taglines I’ve ever seen while googling stupid horror
and/or browsing the thrift store video aisle.
“Frogs”
(1972)
“Today
the pond! Tomorrow the world!”
Y’all, do frogs even have teeth? Shark
week this ain’t.
“Abby”
(1974)
“Abby
doesn't need a man anymore. The Devil is her lover now!”
Glad to see the options are “a man” and “the
literal Devil.” So much for asexuality, lesbianism, or, like, being happily
single?
“It's
Alive” (1974)
“There's
only one thing wrong with the Davis baby: It's alive.”
Fortunately, I like babies so I’m not
going to say that that’s the problem with ~all~ babies. Instead, I will
delightedly inform you that one of the sequels to this film was called Island
of the Alive. Also known as…literally any inhabited island?
“The
Prey” (1980)
“It's
not human, and it's got an ax!”
Yeah, sounds creepy but this could be a
tiny squirrel with a tiny ax chopping down a tiny tree to build a fire in its
tiny fireplace and then it’s just cute.
“Happy
Birthday to Me” (1981)
‘John
will never eat shish kebab again.”
I know the poster implies that poor John
gets its insides shish-kebabed, but without the visual this tagline could
equally mean that John’s favorite Turkish restaurant closed and John’s inclined
to hyperbole.
“The
Lift” (1983)
“Take
the stairs. Take the stairs. For God's sake, take the stairs!!!”
The elevator, it’s so fucking slow it’ll
be 5 minutes before you get to your office. The stairs are much faster, and
better exercise.
“The
Nail Gun Massacre” (1985)
“It's
cheaper than a chainsaw!”
Yes, yes we get it. Did you really need the second tagline about penetration though? This isn’t
even the most phallic toolbox weapon; they made the Driller Killer 6 years prior.
“The
Thing” (1982)
“Man
is the warmest place to hide.”
Shape-shifting alien nightmare or fungal
infection? Spooky!
“The
good news is your dates are here. The bad news is … they're dead.”
In that case…that good news is also bad
news. Alternatively, you were looking for an excuse to stay in and watch
Netflix anyway so lock the door, bolt the windows, and settle in for a nice
Parks and Rec binge.
“Predator
2” (1990)
“He's
in town with a few days to kill.”
Geddit, it’s a PUN. My girlfriend worked
for Fox one summer and wants you to know that this tagline is the best things
Fox has ever produced.
“Ghost Ship”
“Sea Evil”
I’ll have you know I paid cold hard cash
to own this on video cassette.
“Texas
Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation”
If looks could kill, he wouldn’t need a chainsaw.
If looks could kill, he wouldn’t need a chainsaw.
Y’all, there’s so much to unpack here
it’s getting its own damn post. But in the meantime, do you want to see Michael
McConaughey get decapitated by low-flying aircraft because boy do I have the
film for you.
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