January 1 - The Lair of the White Worm

 

 

           As coincidence would have it, I ended last year and started this one with two movies set in places where I am kind of from (and that feature caves, albeit to very different effect). The Lair of the White Worm is set in Derbyshire, where my dad’s side of the family hail from, and I can confirm that the absurd accents are indeed accurate. Derbyshire is a great place for a horror movie, full of quaint English countryside, strangely sloping landscapes, and a sense of long history. The Lair of the White Worm doesn’t necessarily capitalize on that spooky potential; it’s got other things on its mind.

            Based on Bram Stoker’s final novel, The Lair of the White Worm opens with the very Scottish archaeologist Angus Flint finding the skull of some kind of a wormlike or dinosaur-adjacent creature from Roman times. The skull may be related to the local legend of the fiendish d’Ampton worm, which may in turn be related to the recent disappearance of the parents of sisters Mary and Eve, who happen to run the inn where Angus is staying. Local aristocrat Sylvia Marsh takes an interest in the skull and sets about doing some human sacrificing; turns out she’s a snakey priestess for the still living ancient worm, which is less a worm and more a great big man-eating snake. It’s unclear what role the skull plays in Sylvia’s ceremony other than set-dressing; indeed, the discovery of the skull turns out to be fairly incidental. But Angus, Mary, and Eve, along with another local aristocrat, the haughty James d’Ampton, get to work stopping Sylvia.

            If the plot, which also involves subplots about reincarnation and some heady lore about the snake-demon’s opposition to Christianity, doesn’t make sense, that’s because the movie decided to prioritize a collection of feverish dream sequences and Morris dancing, not to mention the spectacle of Sylvia in her thigh-high boots stalking around the Derbyshire countryside like she’s Poison Ivy. For the record, I think this movie has the right idea. There are plenty of ponderous English mystery-horror flicks about fighting ancient evil with a little research and some good tea. Heck, most of Doctor Who through the Pertwee and Tom Baker era was that. But there is a disappointing lack of movies featuring a snake dominatrix spitting venom on crucifixes, biting off the penises of teenage boys, and sporting ancient ritual strap-ons. This movie sets out to fill this gap.

            Director Ken Russell is on record that this was meant to be a comedy, and while the comic set-pieces of bumbling cops and butlers fall flat, the movie’s utter batshittery is a resounding success. The camp quality, especially in Amanda Donohoe’s tongue-waggling performance as Lady Sylvia, is perfectly silly. I love a movie that throws all manner of nonsense at the wall to see what sticks, and this movie delivers what-the-fuck moments one after the other. The right kind of garbage.  

The Talent: A very high pedigree, this one. The male leads are played by future Doctor Who Peter Capaldi and Hugh Grant, who needs no introduction. Tilda Swinton almost took the part of Lady Sylvia, which I’m sure would have been amazing, but instead we got Amanda Donohoe, who began her career as an Adam Ant groupie (yikes!) and more than gets the job done. And of course the movie is directed by Ken Russell, not to be confused with star of The Thing and Mr. Goldie Hawn, Kurt Russell. No showbiz slouch, Ken Russell is a prolific director of British film. Russell’s filmography includes Altered States, The Who’s Tommy, and the infamous The Devils which also features nuns in sexually compromised positions. This explains a lot about the film.

Subgenre: British folk horror. Emphasis on the British.

Story Type/Archetypes: At first I was expecting this to be a movie about someone doing a neat job that leads them into a supernatural mystery, like Candyman or maybe Quartermass (disclaimer: I have not seen Quartermass). But since Angus’ skull turns out to have next to no impact on the plot, it’s mostly a story about a monstrous woman. Sylvia’s a mix of a vampire and a cultist, but with a visual style all her own. We also have your fairly classic good versus evil setup – the wholesome heterosexual(ish) good guys, at least one of whom (Eve) is a virgin and a Christian, against the sexually voracious and somewhat-exoticized Sylvia, who in true classic horror fashion has much more style. It’s based on the same kind of movies as Rocky Horror is what I’m getting at.

Sense of Place: There are a few nice shots of the countryside, mostly in passing as characters wander through fields, and some shots of a very massive and nonthreatening cave. Mostly, there are a lot of shots of scarcely furnished rooms. This movie was late in Ken Russell’s career and it was a studio movie! Why does it look like it cost seven dollars? I guess they spent all the money on Lady Sylvia’s wardrobe.

Mood: Horny and increasingly high.

Are there heroes?: Sure are! We’ve got an aristocrat, two nice gals from the country, and an archaeologist who, at one point, uses his bagpipes to charm the lady-snake.

Who are the monsters (and why are they scary)?: Lady Sylvia has the uncanny ability to morph into a blue-skinned sharp-toothed very nude snake demon. Her goal is to collect sacrifices for her snake god (the more virginal the better), but she’s also happy to make more snakes. Snake venom will make the victim into a bitey snake junior, in a bit of monster-contagion lore borrowed from Stoker’s more famous property. Sylvia, of course, is monstrous because she’s sexual intimidating, but she’s also delightful, and this movie is enough of a comedy that it doesn’t come off as slut-shamey.

This movie will freak you out of you’re creeped out by…: Snakes and/or doms

Is it a metaphor for something?: Lord James frames the conflict as Christianity versus Paganism, in true folk horror fashion, though only the aptly-named Eve is really religious. The Wicker Man this is not. The big metaphor of this movie is dicks. Pens are dicks, snakes are dicks, garden hoses are dicks, sacrificial knives are dicks. There are also caves, and you can guess what they mean.

Is there a twist?: Nah, you pretty much get what you sign up for.

What kind of ending is it?: One of horror’s favorite, the seemingly resolved conclusion with a stinger (or in this case, a biter, heehee).

The girlfriend’s rating (i.e. how much would this upset my girlfriend?): PG, for brief gore and phallic symbols

But how gay is it?: The movie is so unbearably horny that every relationship is sexually charged, not least of all the bromance between Angus and James. And then there’s the glorious Sylvia, who, stomping around with her thigh-high stilettos and strap-on, may be seducing men but she’s very, very queer.

And did it fit the daily theme?: Ken Russell claimed to be more inspired by Oscar Wilde than Bram Stoker so yes, this is quintessential camp.

Watch this if you enjoy: Very British Horror, delirious dream sequences, screaming “wait, what the fuck” at your screen. If you are looking for some new cosplay inspo, or a mommy, give this a try.

What else did it remind me of?: The surreal animation of Hausu applied to the folk horror excess of The Wicker Man (o.g. of course).

Musical Accompaniment: Wisely, this movie presents its exposition in the form of song. Would that more movies did this. You can listen to it here. Wait, is Derbyshire just the Appalachia of England?

Girlfriend’s Corner: A fun fact about me is that, although I am dating a woman, I am in fact bi! Sara, meanwhile, is a board-certified Kinsey 6 lesbian. This became evident while we were watching this movie (Sara intently, me half-watching it while I browsed through extremely stupid domain names I could buy for $10) and I noticed that Hugh Grant was (a) in this and (b) just unbearably hot. Like, holy shit. He’s not exactly prettied up here, but also, um, it’s not exactly possible for him to be unattractive. Sara just… didn’t get it, though? Like, she seemed completely baffled by me noting the obviously and objectively correct fact that Hugh Grant is hot. Please sound off in the comments section below on why Sara is wrong and she should readjust her sexual orientation to a Kinsey 5.5, for attraction to women and also Hugh Grant.

            Anyway, I think there was some kind of snake in this? The accents were really funny.

            Editor’s Note: I am not so closed-minded as our fair Girlfriend would have you believe – I remarked several times that floppy-haired nerd Peter Capaldi was notably cute, and looked like a futch.