The Fly II: A Review

            

            If there’s one activity I love more than any other, reader, it’s paying money to watch movies so inglorious and trash-laden that no self-respecting theater would charge more than $5 to see them. So imagine my delight to discover a $5 movie theater, in Brooklyn no less, that would show me a horror matinee of a movie they refused to name. I even insisted we get to the theater half an hour early to make sure we get the best seats, much to the chagrin of my long-suffering Lily.

            Naturally, this film was The Fly II.

            The idea of a sequel to a Cronenberg film is about as ludicrous as a sequel to Melancholia and stands as a testament to just how big a commercial hit The Fly really was. Say what you want about the ‘80s, but it was the decade when a reboot of a cheesy ‘50s mad scientist flick made by the Canadian schlock-man so freaky Martin Scorsese was afraid to meet him in person could open at number one at the U.S. box office. Success of this magnitude causes a sequel to form via spontaneous generation. The sequel in question was directed by Chris Walas, a special effects guy with only one other feature to his name, a horror movie about how homeless people are scary.

            The Fly II goes the classic Universal route by introducing Son of the Fly, Martin Brundle, a speed-aging supergenius nerd raised by a shady corporation that wants to use his dad’s invention for Sinister Means. Marty is a noxious hybrid of Sheldon Cooper and Wesley Crusher. Rather than punishing him for his banal antics, the film rewards him with things like a country music montage dancing with a pretty girl and a supposedly happy ending. I was furious.

            I haven’t even seen the original The Fly but even I was embarrassed for this movie. From the few glimpses we get of the original in video footage of Seth Brundle, it’s clear that the original is a well-made, well-acted, weird, and even sexy film. The sequel can only suffer in comparison.

            One of the best things about going into a movie completely cold is the confusion of the opening, before the title appears on screen. The Fly II opens with a woman giving birth on a laboratory table while watched by untroubled suits. “You promised you’d get this thing out of me,” she cries, a line that, with all its connotations of coercion and bodily control, has a certain resonance in our current moment of abortion bans. It’s clear that the doctors and captains of industry who surround her don’t care about her, only about whatever mysterious thing has been germinating inside her. A larva emerges, but before she can see the healthy baby within, she dies. Unlamented, she’ll be mentioned only once more in the film, over an hour later. No wonder Geena Davis refused to return to this role.

            As I tried to guess the movie (It’s Alive?? Basket Case?? The Suckling??) I was certain I’d seen this scene before, maybe on TV, maybe in memories of my own birth from larva. Or maybe fraught childbirth scenes just reappear in horror.

            From there, the film goes into boy genius mode as Marty Brundle, played by the original Marty McFly who was fired from Back to the Future, goes from infant to full-grown dweeb in the course of five years. In this time, the head of the Shady Corporation offers himself up as an absentee father and Marty grows attached to a very cute golden retriever who becomes hideously deformed in a transporter accident. Chris Walas gets to whip out his special effects skills, and the end result looks like a canine burn victim with a lizard’s tale. The scene in which the dog, denied a mercy killing, eats slop, is effectively gross. Dog lovers should avoid.

            When Marty turns five, he gets to move into his own apartment and sets out, like a latter day Dr. Frankenstein, completing his dad’s experiments. He’s successful, despite spending most of his work hours boning Princess Vespa from Spaceballs. The only real horror so far is the fact that nobody seems to care that he’s five fucking years old. Literally no part of this movie requires him to age quickly. I shouldn’t have to think about this and yet, the movie is making me wonder if this counts as statutory rape. Fuck you, movie, fuck you.  

            Just as Marty gets the transporter pods to work, but due in no part to this plot point, Marty begins to transform into a fly. Understandably peeved, Marty and his girlfriend, who is introduced as she practices fly-fishing because this movie is called The Fly, go to see John Getz, the only actor from the original who deigned to return. John still holds a grudge over Seth Brundle, and is completely useless, existing only to summarize the first film and denigrate Marty’s dad. “He bugged me,” John deadpans, which is the moment I truly gave up on The Fly II.

            Having learned nothing, Marty is recaptured and returned to Shady Corporation where he finally, finally turns into a motherfucking fly. Except he looks like Reptilicus. Seriously, he has a dragon face. I audibly screamed in cinematic agony. Fortunately, we know that the real Marty’s still in there because he stops his parade of violently killing every scientist who ever wronged him to pet a dog. The man values dog life over human life – he’d fit right in on the Upper West Side!

            All this time, Captain BigCorp is desperately trying to guess Marty’s password so he can get into Marty’s successful code for the transporter pods. Daddy clearly hasn’t seen Hackers, or he’d know that password is probably God, unless it’s sex or maybe secret. Finally, Marty arrives for the big reveal. The password is Dad. Because he thought of the guy as Dad, and Dad betrayed him. Happy father’s day.

            In the ultimate father’s day gesture, Marty decides he’ll let Daddy experience the miracle of giving life. He drags Daddy-o into the transport pod with a sequence that will allow Marty to get Dad’s healthy chromosomes or something, and turns Dad into a big lumpy freak. After the transport sequence concludes, Marty emerges from Lumpy Dad’s butt in a grotesque parody of childbirth, so at least one man gets their comeuppance.

            In the final scene, Lumpy Dad takes the deformed golden retriever’s place eating slop, suggesting that the worst thing he did wasn’t making a woman give birth against her will but forcing a dog to suffer. This scene implies that, despite murdering four people, Marty now has a position of prominence at ShadyCorp.

            Lily apparently likes it when movies have morals, so let’s see if I can parse this one out. If one of your Dads is a prominent scientist and the other a rich businessman, you can rise to a position of power even if you melt someone’s face off. Literally no one cares if a mom dies, but dog suffering is a war crime. And it’s perfectly fine to fuck a five-year-old so long as they look old enough to audition for Back to the Future. Maybe I’m being harsh but what can I say. This movie bugged me.

            You better believe it was worth every goddamn cent.